British 90s nostalgia and shite

I have no memories of this, but when I was five, my mom and dad took me to a place called The Tales of Robin Hood in Nottingham city centre.

The main part of the attraction was a ride where you sit in a car and it takes you around the building in the dark, while mannequins talk to you. As I'll soon show you, it was as scary as it sounds.

Here's my mom and two sisters on the ride:

Since I can't remember it, here's someone else's explanation.

The centre was opened in 1989 as part of an attempt by the city to cash in on its Robin Hood legacy. [...] The cars were suspended, holding around 3 adults, and could turn 360°. I remember the cars being very slow-moving, as it wasn't all together very long. I believe each car had on-board audio, with a voice-over narrating each, rather static, scene

Most of all, I remember the absolute stench. As anyone who's been on a similar historic dark ride will know, there is a specific "medieval" scent pumped in that can instantly take me back to my childhood. I remember it being quite brutal, and some scenes being pretty scary for children, not hiding the vulgarities of medieval life.

Hy dad filmed the ride. I think he was the only person ever to do this because no-one else wanted footage of it.

If for some mad reason you want to watch all the footage, here it is:

I've watched it and here's what I think of it.

Hell

So the first thing that happens on the ride is Robin Hood {?} talks to you while your car slowly inches past some UGLY, SCARY mannequins. From what I can tell, most of them look like they were burned in a fire.

And the sounds. Oh, Christ, the SOUNDS. Sometimes there's creepy music and other times it's like demons roaring in pain.

Is this supposed to be Sherwood forest or is it scenes from hell?

There's this mother fleeing from something while holding a screaming baby. I get the impression she's running from a forest fire though maybe she's running from the ride itself. I'd be running too if I wasn't trapped inside a moving car.

I don't know which of the figures is supposed to be Robin Hood. They all like demons that have escaped from hell. The attraction might have been a trip through actual hell for I know. If you were going to put a hell-mouth somewhere then Nottingham is as good a place as any. It's already a kind of hell. Just ask anyone who lives there.

Then there's a man who seems to have a plank with nails on his head:

I think it might be Little John but I don't remember Little John getting whacked in the head with a plank of plywood. Then again I don't remember him being in hell either.

And here's something that's resembles a cross between Mr Bean and Dobby the house-elf:

These mannequins remind me of the Weeping Angels from Doctor Who. The ones that move when you're not looking at them. And now I've just scared myself.

Robin's cave

The next thing I think that happens (it's hard to tell) is that you go down into Robin's cave to meet his mates. And they're all horrifying.

I think the one on the left is called "The Beekeeper" and has killer bees that do his bidding. The one on the right is called "The Sandpaper Man" and eats children's bones. While the children are still alive.

I've seen this man before. He plays the guitar outside the Co-op.

The feast

At the very end there's a feast. I think the mood is supposed to be one of celebration but I'm still disturbed and scared by all the mannequins.

This one looks like a cross between Michael Rosen and a self-portrait by Van Gogh, if Van Gogh were insane and ravenous for human blood:

The end

Once you got off the ride, everything was normal again. It's as if none of it actually happened. But can anything ever be normal again after a trip on The Tales of Robin Hood ride? I don't think so.

And I still don't know which one was Robin Hood.