British 90s nostalgia and shite

I scared easily as a kid. Sometimes I'd be scared of things that weren't even meant to be scary. This includes the Australian children's TV show Johnson and Friends.

Just the name of the show gives me the creeps. Johnson and Friends. Maybe it's only because I only had five hours sleep last night but Johnson and Friends sounds like a title that a serial killer would come up with. Maybe I don't want to be friends with Johnson or his friends. Did the show's creators think about that? No, they didn't. Probably because Johnson and his friends murdered them.

Characters

Here are the characters in Johnson and Friends, in rough order of who is the most important.

Johnson

Johnson is the titular character of the show. By 'titular' I don't mean he's the main character. I mean he's a tit. Here's what Wikipedia says about Johnson.

Johnson: The leader of the toys. A furry pink elephant who loves being an In The Home Coordinator.

I don't know what an "In The Home Coordinator" is. It sounds something Laurence Llewelyn Bowen would call himself. I think Johnson just invented the title to sound important. He would do that because he's a tit.

Wikipedia goes on to say that:

Johnson is the wisest and oldest of the group, despite a shortcoming of not being able to count past one

Hang on. He can't even count to two? That sounds like a fairly major flaw. Being able to count past one seems like a skill a leader should have, even if it's just the leader of some shitty toys.

McDuff

Wikipedia (I'm going to be using Wikipedia a lot in this post because it saves me from actually watching an episode of Johnson and Friends) says that McDuff is:

a blue and yellow concertina who loves having fun

.

I don't know what kind of "fun" he gets up to. Probably he likes to stab people in their sleep.

And is it normal for a concertina to have such large, unblinking eyes? Though come to think of it, I don't think it's normal for a concertina to have eyes at all.

I'm unsettled by McDuff's wide, unblinking eyes and his fixed, clown-like grin. Imagine waking up during the night and seeing those eyes staring at you.

Wikipedia also says:

McDuff is a kind and loyal friend, especially towards the misunderstood Diesel.

Diesel

Okay, so this is Diesel.

Wikipedia says:

Diesel is a red toy truck with a yellow and black hat that spends most of his time going "bruuum, bruuum" around the floor. Although brusque on the outside, he means well and is obviously fond of his friends on the inside.

"Brusque on the outside" is basically a nicer way of saying tha Diesel is a cunt. No wonder the other toys don't like him.

Alfred

Wikipedia says that Alfred is

a green hot water bottle, which is technically not a toy.

So it's not just toys that are alive in this show. It makes me wonder what other stuff might be alive. I wonder if the dad's condoms are alive too, or the mom's dildo. That would be the adult version of the show.

Also, why does Alfred look like he's in agonising pain.

This fucking water bottle is the most terrifying of the lot. In every photo, it looks like he's screaming in pain. Every. Single. One.

Maybe he's screaming because he has boiling hot water inside him. I bet you never thought of that.

Squeaky

Finally, there's Squeaky. Wikipedia says Squeaky is:

a black and red robot. She guards the bedroom while Michael is asleep.

Guards it from what? Household mould?

All I can think is that she's some kind of sex robot that gives sex services to the other toys. My mind works like that.

Episodes

There are 78 episodes of Johnson and Friends, including one where:

Diesel reaches a stage in his life where he wants a job, a steady income and a garage of his own.

I am not making this up. Apparently Diesel, a toy truck in some kid's bedroom, has 'life stages' that include wanting a job and a steady income.

I can only guess that later life stages will include: a mid-life crisis where Diesel gets a motorbike and a college-age girlfriend; old-age where Diesel can't bend down anymore and he sometimes shits himself; and death.

Then there's an episode where:

McDuff and Diesel pretend Michael's hammer is their baby

These fucking toys are sick in the head. They need to be institutionalised. Especially Diesel.

Then there's this episode:

When Diesel tried to be good, the bedroom was in greater danger than usual.

In greater danger than usual? Is the bedroom cursed or something?

And there's this episode:

McDuff had a secret and the toys were desperate to know what it was. Would she ever tell?

Maybe her secret is that she's a cunt. I really don't care.