British 90s nostalgia and shite

It's Christmas! Insert a joke about putting holly up my bum. It's Christmas!

This Christmas I'm watching the 1997 movie Beauty and the Beast: The Enchanted Christmas, even though I'm a 33-year-old man. I've never seen it before so I can't even claim I'm watching it for nostalgia.

Maestro Forte

I'll just get straight to the best thing about this film: the pipe organ called Maestro Forte. He's the best Disney villain I've ever seen, even better than Oogie Boogie from The Nightmare Before Christmas. Here are some facts about Maestro Forte.

Fact #1: He's roughly 100 feet tall

He's fucking massive. Just look at this screenshot that compares Belle to Forte.

This blows my mind. Everyone else in the castle got turned into little poncy shit things like teacups and forks. But Forte's a giant pipe organ. He really lucked out. Or then again, maybe he's just been taking steroids. He injects them into his pipes and then goes to the gym. Maybe that's why he's so big.

Fact #2: He's voiced by Tim Curry

Forte is voiced by the same actor who played a demon (Legends, 1995), a killer clown (It, 1990) and a transvestite from Transylvania (The Rocky Horror Picture Show, 1975).

And he does the perfect voice for Forte too: the voice of a camp pantomime villain. It's brilliant.

Fact #3: He can destroy the castle whenever he wants

Forte can destroy the castle whenever he wants just by playing his music really loud. I don't think any Disney villain has ever had so much power right from the get-go before. He could kill everyone in the first five minutes if he wanted to. So don't piss him off.

Fact #4: He's Beast's best friend

Forte is Beast's best friend, which is cute and adorable. I imagine them painting each other's toenails and bitching about how much they hate the other characters, especially Belle.

As if that wasn't enough, Forte plays music for Beast when he's feeling down - "to feed his tormented soul" as Forte puts it. It's sweet and also it means that deep down, Beast is just a misunderstood Emo kid.

Fact #5: Forte doesn't want to be human again

While all the other animate objects in the castle want to be human again, Forte is happy being a pipe organ. I suppose it must be pretty cool being a 100-foot high pipe organ. If someone pisses you off, you can just crush them to death.

But the real reason he likes being a pipe organ is that Beast keeps coming to him for music. Only Forte's music can soothe Beast's torment. Forte enjoys this because it makes him Beast's best friend and confidante. And it

Fact #6: He's CGI

Forte is CGI while every other character is hand-drawn. It makes Forte look out of place and creepy.

I won't be able to sleep tonight, which might have something to do with his empty eye sockets.

Fact #7: He's chained to a wall

Despite his massive size and strength, Forte can't actually go anywhere because he's chained to the wall.

Why doesn't someone just free him? Beast could do it as he's strong enough.

My theory is that Beast chained him to the wall on purpose as some kind of sex game. Maybe he read about it in Fifty Shades of Gray.

The rest of the movie

Now I actually have to talk about the rest of the movie, even though I'd rather just only watch the parts with Forte instead.

So Belle wants to celebrate Christmas. So she's gone to the loft to sort out some Christmas decorations.

Instead of finding a box of crumbling Beano annuals and Barbie dolls with no heads, she encounters some baubles that are alive. Did each bauble use to be a person? Exactly how many people were in this castle when the curse happened? Hundreds apparently,

Belle's singing a song now. It makes me want to fast forward just to get to the next part with Forte in it.

While Belle is looking forward to Christmas, Beast hates this time of year because it was on Christman day that he was turned into a beast. That's fair enough. Some people hate Christmas just because they have to spend a few hours with their relatives.

Forte again

YES. It's another scene with Forte. And it turns out that Forte has another ability: he can shoot out green magic lights in any shape he wants. For example, while singing a song about love, he makes green cupids appear.

What he secretly wants to make is a big green dildo to fuck Beast with. I'm almost certain that's a deleted scene somewhere.

But where does Forte get this power from? Why don't any of the other characters have magic powers? When the enchantment was dished out, Forte really got the lion's share. No wonder he doesn't want to be a human again.

Then his eyes glow green and I think he hypnotises Beast. So he has the power of hypnotism too. Of course. At this point, it would be simpler to ask what CAN'T Forte do.

The Black Forest

Forte has convinced Belle goes to the Black Forest to get a Christmas tree for Beast, even though:

a) Beast hates Christmas because he's been traumatised by it, so all Belle is doing is further traumatising him at this point

b) it's called the Black Forest, which sounds dangerous and scary

Belle is on thin ice here. Literally, she's riding her horse on the thin ice. Then the ice breaks, and she falls in and almost dies. But Beast comes saves her.

More songs

Beast is pissed off at Belle because she left the castle grounds, thereby breaking her promise to never leave. So he throws Belle in a cell and tells her, "You will ROT in this dungeon FOREVER." Jesus Christ, that's a little much.

Then there's another song.

The song's good. It's about peace, love and the magic of Christmas. And that the best gift at Christmas is 'hope'. This is wrong, because the best gift at Christmas is Scalextric.

Forte and Beast fight

At last, it's the moment we've all been waiting for: a fight between Beast and Forte.

"They can't fall in love if they're DEAD!" Forte says. I think he's talking about Beast and Belle but it sounds like he's referring to Beast and himself.

Forte finally plays the music that will make the castle fall down.

This is brilliant. Beast and Forte are going to FIGHT each other TO THE DEATH. Who's going to win: Beast or Forte? My money's on Beast given that we know from the first film that Beast doesn't die and the castle isn't destroyed. But still. Anything could happen.

And I'm right. Beast rips out Forte's keyboard and throws it across the hall, which kills him apparently. Forte falls over, dead.

Now I want to see Beast fight other things too, including

• a terminator
• the Hulk
• David Dickenson

Then, right at the end, Mrs Potts has the audacity to say "If anyone saved Christmas, it was Belle."

Fuck off did Belle save Christmas. Did she NOT JUST SEE Beast throw Forte's keyboard across the hall?

So that's Beauty and the Beast: The Enchanted Christmas. I asked my brother if he's seen it, and he says we actually owned it the VHS as kids. I don't remember it though. My mind must have suppressed the memories because it was too disturbing.