British 90s nostalgia and shite

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I don't read Apple Tree Farm books to my son anymore. Here's why.

It's 9 pm. Time for a story then my two-year-old son will be off to bed.

"Which story do you want?" I ask.

He presents me with an Apple Tree Farm book called "Woolly Stops the Train". From the title and cover, it sounds like Woolly the sheep stops a train. A straightforward plot.

We start reading. The sheep have escaped their field and are now standing idly on a train track. And now the train can't get past. It's whistling and whistling but the sheep don't give a fuck.

"As if that's where sheep would stand," I say. "Never mind all the lush, green fields full of grass. What the sheep really want is a nice train track."

"Dad, stop pissing around and read the story," my son says. Or at least, that's what he would say if he wasn't just two years old.

So then, back to the story. Poppy says, "It's that naughty Woolly. She's escaped from her field again.".

"Hang on, hang on," I say, now standing up. "What about the other sheep?"

"What about the other sheep?" says my son impatiently. He just wants me to finish the story so he can go to bed. He's always like this.

"There were six sheep on that first page." I go back and count them. Six sheep. "Surely these other sheep must share some of the responsibility too?"

"What the fuck are you going on about, Dad?"

"Why is Poppy shifting all the blame to Woolly? There are six sheep blocking the train. Only one of them is Woolly. Is Poppy actually BLIND?"

"Calm down Dad, it's just a story," says my son.

"It's a fucking stupid story is what it is. And what about the title? Look at this: WOOLLY STOPS THE TRAIN. Woolly stops the train? Excuse me? What about the other five sheep? What about the other five sheep?"

I look for my son for the answer but I don't think he has one. I sigh, sit back down and continue with the story.

Granted, Woolly is a bit of a dick. She escapes her field whenever she can. That's the plot to many of the books, like "The Naughty Sheep", "The Snow Storm" and "Woolly's a Silly Twat Who Escapes a Lot".

Yes, Woolly runs away all the time. She even tries to run away AGAIN in this book. She makes a break for it while Mrs Boot, Ted, Poppy and Sam are herding the sheep towards the train:

Luckily, Rusty is there to chase Woolly back. I don't know what they would do without Rusty. He's second only to Farmer Dray in solving problems at Apple Tree Farm.

Anyway, Mrs Boot's bright idea is to put all the sheep on the train.

"Where are the other passengers?" I point out.

"What do you mean, other passengers?" asks my exasperated son.

"Well, I mean, it's a bit convenient, isn't it? Normally, trains carry passengers. Yet this train is empty. And the train is just big enough to fit six sheep, four people and one dog. It's all very convenient."

Anyway, we're almost at the end of the book. Soon my son will be off to sleep and I'll be watching porn on the computer.

I read the last line of the book. "Sam says: I think Woolly just wanted a ride on the train."

This infuriates me. "NO Sam," I say, shaking with rage. "Woolly DID NOT want a ride on the train." Veins are now standing out on my head. "Woolly actually tried to RUN AWAY when you were trying to put her on the train. So shut up, Sam, unless you have something useful to say. Which you don't. You never do." I throw the book on the floor in disgust. Then I stand there for a while, feeling more and more like a prat.

"Gee Dad, it's only a book," says my son.

"True dat," I say. "Goodnight son. I love you."

"Goodnight," he replies. "I love you."

And that's why we don't read Apple Tree Farm books anymore.

The Complete Book of Farmyard Tales is available to buy at Amazon.