Sports Biscuits

28th April 2020

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I thought Sports Biscuits no longer exist but my dad found a packet today in Farm Foods for 35p. I told him not to eat them, because they could be rare, like the Twinkies in Zombieland, but he had already started dunking them his tea. Thanks, Dad, you pillock.

Sports Biscuits are biscuits with stickmen on them doing sports. They're made by Fox's Biscuits, who are also responsible for Party Rings, Malted Milks, and Rich Tea Biscuits. Fox's Biscuits are basically The Beatles of biscuits. I estimate that Fox's Biscuits were directly responsible for at least half of the cavities suffered by British children in the 1990s.

The irony was while we were these eating biscuits and making ourselves fat, the stick-people were literally stick-thin. It's as though Fox's Biscuits taunts you. "Look at these thin people doing sport!" a packet of Sports Biscuit says. "Now shove all the biscuits into your gob so you can keep being a fat bastard!".

Here are some of the sports on Sports Biscuits.

Running away from your crazy ex

On this biscuit is a man attempting to run away from his crazy ex.

Man's foot disappearing into a hole

This is not a sport but a man's right foot disappearing into a tear in the fabric of space and reality.

Bludgeoning

There is nothing like the fine sport of bludgeoning. The sport involves hitting each other to death with bludgeons.

Shooting arrows at caterpillars

This biscuit features the noble sport of killing caterpillars with a bow and arrow. Here is a man using his bow and arrow to kill four caterpillars at point-blank range.

Okay, it's actually windsurfing. But as kids, my brother and I genuinely thought it was a picture of a man with a bow and arrow. We didn’t know what windsurfing was since Birmingham was 40 miles inland and also, we were semi-retarded due to living in Birmingham.