Christmas meant getting a TON of presents every year. On Christmas Day my siblings and I would tiptoe downstairs to find a duvet case for us each, brimming with gifts. In fact, I'm still finding unopened presents from the 1990s down the back of the sofa.

I'm grateful that my parents gave us half of Toys R' Us every year, but I must make a complaint. Almost two decades have passed since my childhood, and I STILL haven't received the presents that I really wanted. Sure, I got Play-Doh, a furby and endless Paul Daniels magic kits, but these pale into nothingness when compared to the might of the K'NEX BIG BALL FACTORY that should have been mine.

So in the Christmas spirit of selfishness and commercialism, let's examine the presents I really wanted but never got because my parents were cheap bastards.

K'Nex big ball factory

It takes a lot of K'Nex to build a big ball factory, just like it takes a lot of balls to keep giving your son jigsaw puzzles every year instead of the K'Nex kit he wanted instead (only £79.99 from all good retailers).

What is a big ball factory, you ask? The name implies it's a bizarre sweatshop for producing larger-than-average testicles, but in truth, there are no testicles involved, and it's not a factory at all. It’s just a useless contraption which moves balls up and down in a never-ending loop.

I wanted it because it was five feet tall, which must have seemed as high as Everest when I was a kid. I probably thought I could climb up it and see into outer space.

Archeological dig set

These sets had kids spending hours painstakingly chipping away at a small block of plaster to uncover some ancient artefact, usually a lump of plastic vaguely shaped like a tiny mummy or a dinosaur fossil. I liked that idea of slowly chipping away, bit by bit, taking your sweet time. The idea of being slow and methodical over something excited me.

But instead my brother who always got these sets. And guess what? All that digging with a tiny plastic shovel paid off, because now he actually is an archaeologist! THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. I COULD HAVE BEEN A SHIT ARCHAEOLOGIST.

Pocket TV

In the 90s, a tiny TV was the height of futuristic technology. Just imagine watching TV in the comfort of your bed! Oh wait – we already had actual-sized TVs in our bedrooms for that.

Anyway, I’m sure a pocket TV would've been crap. Their screens were only 1cm tall by 1cm wide, making it a superhuman feat to tell Mr Motivator apart from Mr Blobby

Scalextric

On top of all this other crap, I also wanted a Scalextric set. I guess I'd been hoodwinked by adverts showing kids gasping in excitement at two toy cars whizzing around in circles. I really wanted to hold the accelerators down to make the cars fly off at corners. I also wanted to watch the cars crash into each other and go BOOM into fireballs of death.

Child-sized electric car

I remember an advert where a kid forgets his teddy in the garden. The silly little fucker can't go outside to save his teddy because it's raining, and his neglectful parents wouldn't even care if a K'Nex big ball factory fell on top of him and crushed him to death. So what does he do? He drives down the garden in a tiny electric car. The car even had a roof, protecting him from the rain.

I was stunned. I wanted this car, even if they were 300 squillion pounds because I was certain it was the secret to true happiness. I loved the idea of being warm and snug while it rains around me. But I was stupid because obviously a cardboard box over my head would have had the same effect. Kids are stupid. Take note.

Electronics kits

What could you do with an electronics set? Well, the better question to ask would be what couldn't you do with an electronics set. According to the box, you could make pretty much anything,. Yes, you could make whatever you wanted – as long as it was a door alarm. That's the only thing I can remember you were able to make - a fucking door alarm. What use is that when you share a bedroom with your brother, and your mom comes in every day to put clean underpants into your underwear drawer? And just who was I supposed to be protecting my bedroom against? A KJB spy interested in rummaging through the Paul Daniels magic sets and underwear drawer of a 9-year-old kid?