There was a moment in the 1990s when it seemed every kid I knew had a mood ring. Girls especially liked mood rings because girls tend to care more about emotions and shit than boys. We would compare our mood rings in the playground, checking to see what 'mood' we were in by the colour of the ring. We never thought to simply ask ourselves how we were feeling; I guess, being kids, we were too dumb for that.

So mood rings, what they did was change colour when you put one on your finger. That’s basically all they did. Putting it that way, they don’t sound very cool. Even Captain Planet’s rings were better. At least those rings could control the elements and cause tidal waves and shit.

What each colour meant

Mood rings came with a piece of paper that explained what each colour 'meant'. We took it as science but it was all just bullshit. Someone random bloke must’ve come up with the emotions off the top of his head, probably while sitting on the toilet doing a poo.

Here are some of the colours and their 'meanings' (and I use the word meaning in the loosest way possible, even looser than my stools the time I got food poisoning in India.)

• Black = stressed. The colour for when you really need to do a poo but you're not sure you'll make it to the toilet in time.
• Yellow = nervous. The colour for when your playground nemesis is about to beat you in a game of Pogs, thereby winning your pogs
• Green = mixed emotions. Mixed emotions is what I feel when Teletubbies comes on the TV. A mixture of revulsion and more revulsion.
• Blue = "normale". I'm not sure why they've spelled "normal" with an E. I think this colour means you're French.
• Purple = cool. “Cool” isn’t an emotion. Then again, I don’t know anything about being cool so maybe it is an emotion.
• Green = romance. "Mixed emotions" and "romance" are the same colour so how am I supposed to tell them apart? It might give the wrong idea to other children in the playground. A girl could think I love her because my mood ring is green but really I have mixed feelings about her.
• Turd-green = passion. Passion? As in... sex? I thought mood rings were for kids? Unless I've been misled all this time and they're actually for adults.
• Purple = very happy. Given that “passion" means sex and “very happy” is immediately after “passion”, then "very happy" must be, must be, a euphemism for an orgasm. So when your mood ring turns purple it means you’re having an orgasm.

No colour

Imagine if you put a mood ring on and it doesn't change colour. What then? It would mean you feel nothing, which means you're dead on the inside. What a sad way to find out you’re clinically depressed.

Or it could mean you’re a ghost. Ghosts don’t have body heat so mood rings don’t work on them. That's why I'm scared to put a mood ring on: because it might tell me I’m a ghost like Bruce Willis in the Sixth Sense. If I am a ghost then I at least want Haley Joel Osmond to tell me to my face.

Uses for a mood ring

I reckon everyone should be forced to wear a mood ring at all times. It sounds like a dystopian future but hear me out.

• If a policeman wears a mood ring, then he can tell when he's feeling stressed, and he can take the time to chill out instead of beating up an innocent black man.
• I reckon Bruce Banner could benefit from a mood ring. It could serve as an early warning system for when he's about to turn into the Hulk.
• I reckon my wife could do with a mood ring. It would help me to tell what mood she's in. If she's feeling angry then I know I've done something wrong and I need to apologize. (Happens a lot.) Or if she’s feeling romantic or passionate, then I know I need to clean the smegma out of my willy because we’re probably going to have sex.

Conclusion

Want to know what mood you’re in? A mood ring can tell you. Maybe there's an easier way to know what mood you're in, but if there is, then I don't want to know.

But what I do know is that I'll always be in the mood for a mood ring. (Unless I put one on cock instead, thinking it was a cock ring, and my willy engorges with blood and I can’t get the mood ring off. If that's the case, I'll be rushing off to hospital.)