British 90s nostalgia and shite

I have a sad life that mainly revolves around revisiting old crap from my childhood. Today, for example, I’m watching a Toys R’ Us advert from 1989.

The advert begins.

It's the dead of night. You’re driving down a road in the middle of nowhere.

This is a bit unsettling. If I’ve learned anything from watching so many horror films, it’s that there’s probably axe murderers waiting to kill you and an evil scarecrow that wants to steal your teeth.

Eventually, though, at the end of this long road, we reach the Toys R' Us.

I'm spooked. This is a giant toy store, in the middle of nowhere, open at the dead of night. This is like something Stephen King would come up with. You should turn around now and never come back or you’ll be trapped in this toy shop of horrors forever.

But inside the store, the mood gets a bit more cheery.

There's an anthropomorphic giraffe and his team of child labourers restocking the shelves.

So it seems that Toys R’ Us use child labour. And they use a lot of child labour too, judging by the number of kids in this advert. There's not an adult to be seen.

The worst thing is that the giraffe supervises the children. No adult supervision; only giraffe supervision. Sure, the giraffe can reach the top of tall shelves, but it would also panic in the event of a fire and trample the kids to death.

Also, I'm unsure if the giraffe has the mental aptitude needed to restock a store. Maybe that's why the toys in Toys R' Us are always on the wrong shelves and I can never find anything.

And now, for the most important question: What does the lady sing at the end of the advert?

• "There’s millions of Geoffries all under one roof."
• "There’s millions of starfish all under one Jew."
• "There’s millions so let’s eat a wonderful poo."

I contacted the singer, Mumblina Mumblelot. She told me the correct lyric is:

"There’s millions," says Geoffrey, "all under one roof."

Mystery solved! And here are the rest of the lyrics:

There’s a magical place
We’re on our way there
With toys in their millions
All under one roof
It’s Called Toys R’ Us!

Soon after bedtime
When dark nighttime falls
Geoffrey and helpers stock up on the shelves
From ceiling to floor.
Books, board games and bikes
Teddies, puppets and dolls
Bats, spaceships and trikes
"There’s millions," says Geoffrey, "all under one roof."
It’s called Toys R’ Us! Toys R’ Us! Toys R’ Us!

All in seriousness, I love this advert, especially the driving part at the beginning, where the dark and scary country lane leads to a magical toy shop. There really is something special about it.

Shameless advertisement

By the way, if you want the magic of Toys R' Us in your own home, why not buy ? Make your own Geoffrey out of the discarded bricks and rubble of an abandoned Toys R' Us store. Or something.