British 90s nostalgia and shite

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Jawbreakers are these huge balls of sugar that you would suck on for days and days, days and days, and the jawbreaker would slowly shrink to the size of a golf ball then to the size of a marble, and then one day you would just swallow whatever was left and that would be the end of that jawbreaker. Then you would move on to the next one and the next one until you had no teeth left. That is a jawbreaker.

Here are 10 facts about jawbreakers.

Jawbreakers have layers

Jawbreakers are like onions or ogres in that they have layers. The layers are different colours so that the jawbreaker changes colour as it gets progressively smaller.

Jawbreakers are big

Wikipedia says they're usually one to three centimeter across, though they "can be up to 8 cm in diameter". At that point you wouldn't even be able to get it in your mouth I reckon.

Jawbreakers are also called gobstoppers

Jawbreakers are also called "gobstoppers".

The term gobstopper derives from "gob", which is slang in the United Kingdom and Ireland for mouth.

As in "Shut your gob or I'll give you a whack".

Jawbreakers are hard

Jawbreakers were hard. Jesus, they were hard.

These sweets actually warned you, in their very name, that they could do some serious damage to you. They're up there with killer whales and killer bees.

They could break your mandible, your very mandible for chrissakes, they were that hard.

The sweet hardness scale

On the sweet hardness scale, jawbreakers are at the very top. In case you’ve never heard of the sweet hardness scale, then it’s a scale that I just invented that ranks the hardness of sweets. The sweets arranged are numerically from the softest (1) to the hardest (10). The reference sweets are

1. candy floss
2. jelly
3. flying saucers
4. marshmallows
5. fruit pastilles
6. fruit gums
7. the stick from a dip dab
8. boiled sweets
9. seaside rock
10. jawbreakers

And in case you’re thinking the scale somehow goes up to eleven, it does not. There is no sweet harder than a jawbreaker.

Jawbreakers can break your teeth

Wikipedia says:

Gobstoppers are too hard to bite without risking dental damage.

Dental damage just from biting into a child's sweet. Jesus Christ. I'm no expert but maybe they went a bit far by making a candy that was capable of breaking children's teeth? Maybe they went a little bit too far?

When they made jawbreakers, they were so preoccupied with whether they could make them, they didn’t stop to think if they should.

All sweets are bad for your teeth but jawbreakers take it up a notch. While other sweets work gradually, using sugar to slowly erode away your enamel, jawbreakers just fucking break your teeth.

Jawbreakers are forged in the fires of hell

According to www.candyfavorites.com, this is how jawbreakers are made:

This almost 100% sugar bomb is cooked using a hot-pan process, at a high temperature for 14-19 days. During this time, the sugar is churned constantly, until that perfect jawbreaker shape is formed.

In other words, they're made in Mordor. Mordor.

Jawbreakers last for weeks

People at school would have the same jawbreaker for weeks. I'm not exaggerating. Wikipedia says:

Larger ones can take days or even weeks to fully dissolve.

I don't think I could ever commit to a jawbreaker. It's like getting a dog or one of those bags for life. I can't cope with that level of commitment. A jawbreaker could take me weeks, months or even years to finish. It's like when someone tells me about a TV show that I really have to watch but it’s six seasons long. Ain’t no way I’m doing that.

Jawbreakers don't actually break your jaw

I only remember having a jawbreaker once. And I ate it all in one go, I think. It didn't break my jaw and I felt a bit disappointed. If my jaw wasn't broken, then had I truly eaten a jawbreaker?

Come to think of it, I've never heard of a jawbreaker breaking anyone's jaw. Ever.

So the name "jawbreaker" itself is a lie. Is there any more of a blatant lie than that? If you can't trust the name of a product than what can you trust? It's false advertising.

Have you been mis-sold a jawbreaker?

Have you been mis-sold a jawbreaker in the past 10 years? Have you ever eaten a jawbreaker that has left your jaw intact?

If the answer is yes, then you could win up to £2,000 for every jawbreaker that you have eaten in the past 10 years that hasn't broken your jaw.

Dave from Birmingham: Growing up, all I wanted was a broken jaw. I ate a jawbreaker and it didn't work – all it did was break my teeth. The pain was horrendous but even worse was the emotional pain of knowing that my jaw was still unbroken. But now I have £2,000 thanks to Fuckers and Fuckers.

Sarah from Scunthorpe: I put my trust in jawbreakers to break my jaw. They didn't break my jaw but they did break my trust. But thanks to Fuckers and Fuckers. I won £10,000.

If you have eaten a jawbreaker and have not suffered from your experience, then call us today. We will fight for your justice. We will make things right. Call Fuckers and Fuckers today for a free consultation.

Demand justice for your experience. Don't let jawbreakers be LAW breakers.

I can't think of a ninth or tenth fact about jawbreakers

Sorry.

Everlasting Gobstoppers and jawbreakers are available at Amazon.