British 90s nostalgia and shite

Herry Monster loved his doll. He talked to his doll and took his doll everywhere. But one night he went to bed and when he woke up in the morning, his doll was gone.

"Where's my doll?" said Herry Monster.

Herry Monster looked for his doll in his shoes. He looked for his doll in his books. He looked for his doll in his pants, but all he found in his pants was dried-up encrusted poo from when he had pooed himself the day before. (Herry Monster pooed himself a lot.) He looked for his doll up his bum. He looked for his doll up his nose. He looked for his doll under his bed, but all he found there was cum-encrusted tissues.

Herry Monster went to the bathroom and looked for his doll in the toilet. But all he found in the toilet was a poo he'd done a week ago and forgot to flush away.

He picked the poo out of the toilet. "I'll eat this later for my dinner," he said. "I'll cook it with tomatoes and mushrooms." He put the poo in a Tupperware and put the Tupperware in the fridge with the other Tupperwares of poo.

Herry Monster hadn't found his doll inside his house so he went outside to see if his doll was there. On the street was a girl pushing a doll in a pram.

"Is that my doll?" said Herry Monster to the little girl pushing a doll in a pram.

"No, you idiot, it's my doll," said the girl. And she was right: it was her doll.

"Sorry," said Herry Monster. "It's just that I've lost my doll."

"You're still wearing your pyjamas," said the girl, and she was right about that too, as Herry Monster was still wearing his pyjamas. "And you smell of poo," she added, and it goes without saying that she was right about that too, as Herry Monster did smell of poo. In fact, he always smelled of poo because he pooed himself so often. Indeed, he had pooed himself five minutes ago.

"I've done a poo in my pants," said Herry Monster.

"Why have you done a poo in your pants?" said the girl.

"I like to do poos in my pants. It keeps my pants warm," said Herry Monster.

"You should go home and wipe your bum," said the girl.

"But I don't know how to wipe my bum," said Herry Monster, and it was true. The sad fact is that even though Herry Monster was 36 years old, he still hadn't learned how to wipe his bum. "Can you help me find my doll?" said Herry Monster.

"No, I won't help you find your doll," said the girl. "Besides, your doll probably ran away because you smell so bad." And with that she left, taking her doll and pram with her.

Herry Monster felt sad because his doll was still lost. He walked around the streets, hoping to find his doll. He looked for his doll in the women's changing rooms in Primark but all he saw were some women's rude bits. He looked for his doll at a silent meditation retreat but all he found was inner peace and truths about the universe.

Finally he went to the park. And there, in the park, was his doll. It was in the hands of an orange monster. The monster's name was Frazzle but everyone called the montster Fred because they found if you called the monster Frazzle he tended to bite your arm off.

"That's my doll," said Herry Monster to Fred.

"It's my doll now," said Fred.

"You stole it," said Herry Monster.

"I found it," said Fred. "I found it in your arms while you were sleeping last night."

"You're stupid," said Herry Monster, and he was right, as Fred was stupid. He was almost as stupid as Herry Monster, but not quite, because it was impossible for anyone to be as stupid as Herry Monster because Herry Monster was extremely stupid.

"No, you're stupid," said Fred. "You have stupid ears."

"I don't even have ears," said Herry Monster.

"You've got a poo hanging out your bum," said Fred, and he was right, as Herry Monster did have a poo hanging out his bum.

"It's my lunch for later," said Herry Monster. "Do you want some?"

"What, do I want to eat your poo?"

"Yeah," said Herry Monster.

"Go on then," said Fred.

So they both sat down under a tree and ate Herry Monster's poo. And when they had finished, Fred did a poo as well and they both ate Fred's poo.

Now they were both full.

"Can I have my doll back now please?" asked Herry Monster.

"Oh, okay," said Fred. "Since you did say please, and since you did give me some poo to eat."

So Fred gave the doll back to Herry Monster.

"Yay, I've got my doll back," said Herry Monster. "Now I'm going home to have dinner."

And Herry Monster went home to have dinner, which was, of course, poo, mushrooms, and tomatoes, and afterwards he drank a cup of wee as well. Then he went to bed, but he forgot which room was the bedroom so he went to sleep in the bath instead. Also, it wasn't nighttime yet, it was only 4:30 PM.

He turned off the light and then tripped over his doll and fell headfirst into the toilet. When Herry Monster tried to pull his head out the toilet, he couldn't because his head was stuck.

"Oh well," said Herry Monster. "Goodnight, Dolly." (For Dolly was the name of his doll.) And he went to sleep like that, with his head in the toilet.

The end.