British 90s nostalgia and shite

As an Amazon Associate I earn from qualifying purchases.

Once upon a time, an old man sowed some marijuana seeds in his garden.

As the plants grew, the old man realised he had made a mistake. These weren't marijuana plants. These were turnips.

”How fucking drunk was I when I planted these?” the old man said.

"For fuck's sake, I'll have to pull the turnips up and start again." He put on his big boots and went out into the garden.

He gathered up the leaves of a turnip in his two hands, and he pulled. He pulled and pulled with all his might. He pulled so hard that he shat his pants.

"Keep away!" said the old man. "I've just shit myself!"

"That smell of shit is making me horny," said his wife. "You know I have a scat fetish. Come here, I want to fuck you."

"We haven't had sex in such a long time, I want to feel that big throbbing cock," said the old woman, reaching around the old man's waist and putting her hand in his trousers.

"What's going on?" said a little boy.

"I'm just bumming your dad," said the old woman. Her strap-on dildo was already up his bum.

"I want to fuck dad, too," said the little boy.

"You're not old enough to fuck your dad," said the old woman.

A girl came to see what was going on.

"Heil Hitler," said the boy, raising his arm in a Nazi salute.

"Look, it's that dumb dog, Lassie."

The dog could understand English and decided to tear the girl's dress off in revenge.

"Please no-one draw a picture of us like this as it looks a bit rude," said the old man.

"I've done it! I've fucking done it!" cried the old man. "Right, I'm going to use this turnip to smash all your heads in."

Everyone fell in a big heap. "I think there was a cat and a mouse helping too but I think we just killed them," said the girl.

The mouse is okay. Everyone loves the mouse. "I'm taking this mouse home," says the old man. "He’s my new best friend. The rest of you can fuck off."

"This is my turnip," says the old man. "Don't even think of touching it. I'm only showing it to you so know it's mine. Right, I'd better go change my pants."

"So soon?" said the old woman.

The Enormous Turnip is available to buy at Amazon.