British 90s nostalgia and shite

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Once upon a time, in the spring, an old man sowed some marijuana plants in his garden.

As the plants grew, the old man realised he had made a mistake. These weren't marijuana plants. These were turnips.

”How fucking drunk was I when I planted these?” the old man said.

"For fuck's sake, I'll have to pull the turnips up and start again." He put on his big boots and went out into the garden.

He gathered up the leaves of a turnip in his two hands, and he pulled. He pulled and pulled with all his might. He pulled so hard that he sharted.

"Keep away!" said the old man. "I've just shit myself!"

"You silly old bastard," said his wife. "No wonder it smells so bad."

The old man pulled and the old woman pulled. They pulled and pulled with all their might.

"Fuck, I think I've just shat myself again," said the old man. "It was either that or a really huge fart."

The old woman called to a little boy. "Come here you lazy cunt and help."

Then the old man pulled
and the old woman pulled
and the little boy pretended to pull but did fuck all to help really.

“You two are fucking useless,” said the old man. “You’re both useless twats.”

A girl came to see what was going on.

"Come and help, you fucking bitch," said the boy.

"That's no way to speak to your sister," said the old woman.

"Shut up, you whore,” said the boy. “You're not my real mom."

"Oi, Lassie, get your lazy arse over here and help pull."

"Watch that dress, Lassie," said the girl. "It was 50 pounds from Top Shop, which is more money than you'll earn in a lifetime."

"Please no-one draw a picture of us like this as it looks a bit rude," said the old man.

"I've done it! I've fucking done it!" cried the old man. "No thanks to you bastards, I was the only one really pulling."

Everyone fell in a big heap. "I think there was a cat and a mouse helping too but I think we just killed them," said the girl.

The mouse is okay. Everyone loves the mouse. "I'm taking this mouse home," says the old man. "He’s my new best friend. The rest of you can fuck off."

"This is my turnip," says the old man. "Don't even think of touching it. I'm only showing it to you so know it's mine."

The Enormous Turnip is available to buy at Amazon.