British 90s nostalgia and shite

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So I logged onto Amazon and bought a dog. That’s right, Amazon sell dogs now. Did you know that? The things you can buy on there never ceases to amaze me.

Well, the delivery guy came the next day (I have Amazon Prime which gives me next day delivery). I was in the middle of taking a shit when he rang the doorbell, which meant I had to pull up my pants mid-shit and run to the door. There was poo in my underwear and I think there was some running down my leg too. This happens fairly regularly (I think the delivery man waits until I’m taking a shit before ringing the doorbell? Somehow he knows when I’m taking a shit. I haven’t figured out how yet, but he knows.) Upon opening the door, there was the delivery guy standing there, and behind him was a massive crate. And I mean it was massive. It was even bigger than Susan Boyle if you can believe that. It took up the entire corridor.

“Paul Jones?” he asked.

“I think there’s been some mistake,” I said, eyeing the huge crate behind him, while poo slid down my leg. “I ordered a dog, not an elephant! What’s in there?!”

Together we opened the crate to find out.

It was an elephant. A fully grown African elephant.

“What the fuck am I going to do with a fully grown African elephant?!” I was incredulous that Amazon had somehow managed to mess up so badly that they would try to deliver an elephant here. “You have to take it back!”

The man sighed. "I'm not paid enough for this," he said and began to push the crate back down the corridor. I slammed the door and went back to the toilet to finish my poo.

That was Monday. A whole week has passed since then. Every day, Amazon has fucked up, again and again, sending me all different kinds of animals, enough to make a small bloody zoo.

On Tuesday I received a giraffe. I didn’t even have to open the crate to see it was a giraffe. It was poking its head out the top of his crate and sticking its tongue out at me.

“Send it back,” I said.

On Wednesday they sent me a lion. A bloody lion!

The delivery man told me that the lion had mauled three Amazon warehouse workers to death while they putting it into a crate for me. “I don’t care,” I said. “Send it back!”

On Thursday, they sent me a camel.

I couldn’t Christing believe it. How can you mix up a camel with a dog? How could Amazon keep getting the order so wrong? “Send it back,” I said.

On Friday, the delivery man arrived with a basket. A dog-sized basket.

“This is more like it,“ I said. I opened the basket and there it was: A BLOODY GREAT BIG SNAKE.

The snake jumped out, bit the delivery man on the testicle and slithered away. The delivery man then spent the next three hours trying to coax it out a hole (the snake, not his testicle) with a half-eaten Mars bar. He wasn’t successful.

On Saturday they sent me a monkey. And on Sunday they sent me a frog.

Finally, today the doorbell rang again. I answered the door and immediately said, “Whatever it is, I don’t want it. You can fuck off. I don’t even want a refund anymore. Or an Amazon gift voucher. I’ve had enough.”

I looked down at what the delivery man was holding. It was a little cage.

And inside was a puppy.

He was perfect! I kept him.

Amazon can fuck off though. I’m never using them again.

Dear Zoo is available to buy at Amazon.