Your guide to choosing a telephone

30th January 2021

Paul Chris Jones

I just found a guide to choosing a telephone in a 1997 Argos catalogue. And it's brilliant.

Well okay it's not brilliant but it's still better than the usual shite I look at.

Quotes from weird members of the public

First there are quotes from members of the public:

Just so you know, I may have photoshopped one or two of them.

Features of modern phones

Then the guide talks about the ground-breaking features available on 1990s phones. These features will blow your mind. They include:

Find out the number of the last person to call you
Redial the last number you called without having to press all the numbers again like a moron
Mute button, which lets you call the caller a cunt without him hearing you
Set the volume of the phone

All this is too modern for me. Being able to set the volume of your phone? What happened to the good old days when you had to power your phone by riding a bicycle in a thunderstorm?

REN

Then the guide talks about REN. It's very very important to look at the REN when choosing a phone, apparently. If you don't do this then the universe could implode.

All this is too complicated for me. Two REN 1.5 phones? Four REN 1 phones? How can the average person understand this? I don't remember my parents dealing with this in the 90s. Then again I was probably off doing something stupid like putting Meccano in the microwave.

Helpline

If your phone breaks, then what do you do? Call a helpline, of course.

"Hello? My phone isn't working. Can you help me? Hello? Is there anyone there?"

Mercury helpline

There's something called a "Mercury helpline", which I think is for when you have mercury poisoning because your phone has dangerously high levels of mercury in it.