British 90s nostalgia and shite

If you were a kid in the 1990s, you might have owned this Fisher-Price castle. Even if you didn't own one, you probably saw it in Argos catalogues a hundred times.

The key feature of this castle was that it was built to last. If a nuclear bomb was coming then the place to hide would have been inside this castle. It survived everything, including rain, snow, mud and pets. The build quality was that of a NASA spaceship.

Things it came with

A cannon

A cannon that could fire plastic balls onto your dad's head.

A catalpult

A functional catapult that could launch everything from Lego people to rocks onto your dad’s head.

Other shit

There was a trapdoor that you could throw knights down. Inevitably they would then get stuck and you'd have to call your dad to pull them out again (if he wasn’t too annoyed at you for firing rocks at his head.)

There also was a rotating wall and a drawbridge. Probably other stuff too. I wouldn't be surprised if there was also a hidden room full of gold.

The knights

The castle also came with two sets of knights: the golden knights and the baddie knights. Among the baddie knights we have:

The boss

The boss swings his hatchet when his head is pressed down. That’s how hatchets work in real-life too. I think.

The Bitch

The Bitch wields a flail and eats puppies for breakfast.

Terry the Butcher

He’s a butcher named Terry.

Dave

This one's just called Dave.

These knights had some serious fucking adventures. They saw some shit. People getting CATAPULTED ALIVE. People falling to their death from parapets. People getting hit in the face with a spiky ball on a chain by a guy named The Bitch.

But the best thing was getting all your other toys together and having an EPIC BATTLE. And what a glorious battle it was. Bards still sing about it to this day. Heroes from all over were enlisted to fight: green plastic army men, Lego mini-figures, and dinosaurs all took part. Never had a more legendary battle taken place since the war of Troy. Action Man and He-Man had to sit it out though on account of being too big.

Other sets

The castle wasn't the only set. There was also:

This funky pirate ship

It's a pirate ship.

This Robin-Hood themed treehouse

Awesome.

A western town

Rad.

An island

Comes with a palm tree that launches a rock. Of course.

A Viking boat

Let's be honest, this one looks a bit shit.

Advert and computer games

The castle had its own TV advert and computer game. That’s more than most people get. Even Ghandi didn’t get his own TV advert and computer game.

Conclusion

It's impossible to forget this castle. It's burned into our collective memory, the same way Native American Indians remember generations of racism.

Even if you've never owned the castle, or never even heard of it until just now, you'll always remember it. It will always be there, in your brain, the memory dormant but indestructible like the castle itself.