Near my school was an HMV, and it was in this HMV that I bought a Buffy the Vampire Slayer poster. The poster featured Sarah Michelle Geller as her character Buffy. She was wearing a low-cut top and a very short skirt with a slit in it. I remember the slit vividly because it revealed the upper part of her thigh.

I put the poster up on the wall, next to where I slept.

Do NOT keep reading

I warn you now that you should NOT read the rest of this post. Just close the tab or press the back button. Don't keep reading.

If you are reading these words then it means you have failed to take my advice and you are still reading. This is foolhardy of you. I warn you that the rest of this post contains descriptions that may mentally scar you for the rest of your life. So please, stop reading and put your phone or computer away.

You are reading these words which means you have still failed to take my advice. So be it: keep reading, but at your own peril.

Humping the Buffy poster

So one day, while horny, I had an idea. I would fuck the Buffy poster.

Can you blame me? Sarah Michelle Geller was a sex symbol back then and I was a horny teenager. She was in my bedroom, albeit in a 2D paper format. I needed an outlet for my horniness.

There was only problem: My eight-year-old brother was in the room with me at that moment, playing on the floor with his toys.

Not to be undeterred, I put my crotch against the poster, at the place where Sarah Michelle Geller's vagina would be. Then I started to rub my crotch against it.

I don't know if my brother saw what was going on. Probably he was watching but I didn't care. I was too lost in the throes of passion with the Buffy poster.

But sadly, grinding my crotch against the poster didn't feel good. I had hoped it would be just like fucking Sarah Michelle Gellar in real life, but the reality was that I was just rubbing my dick against the wall. I don't know why I expected anything different. So I stopped, which was probably for the best, because I avoided inflicting further psychological trauma on my brother.

My brother and I have never talked about that incident. I don't know if he even remembers it. It's something I can easily bring up in conversation either. "How are things? By the way, do you remember that time you watched me trying to fuck a Buffy poster?"

Cutting a hole in the poster

What I really wanted to do though was cut a hole in the poster where Sarah Michelle Gellar's vagina would be. Then I could stick my dick through the hole and pretend I was having sex with her. And probably get a few paper cuts on my dick while I was it.

But I imagined my mom finding the poster afterwards and seeing the hole. She would know I had been fucking the poster. She would know. So that is why I never cut a hole in that poster.

But if you ever happen to come to my home and you see a hole in a poster, then you’ll know why the hole is there.