British 90s nostalgia and shite

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Malted Milks

What is it? A biscuit with milk in it. Hence the name Malted Milks. As if the name wasn't enough to emphasize the presence of milk in them, the biscuit itself features a crude image of a cow and calf.

What does it taste like? Like a biscuit with milk in it. Please keep up.

Where could you find it? In the supermarket, probably misplaced in the health foods section.

How unhealthy was it? Malted Milks weren't at the base of the food pyramid, let's put it that way. Yet they were marketed as somehow being 'healthy' because of the milk they contained. My mom was easily fooled and she would buy these biscuits under the misguided belief the calcium would make us strong. Did it work? No, it did not. As an adult, I am scrawny and pale.

Nice biscuits

What is it? A biscuit with grains of sugar and the word NICE written on it. I always thought the name of these biscuits was pronounced "nice". It made sense because nice was how they tasted. However, I have recently learned that they are actually pronounced "niece" because they come from the Frenchtown Nice. Do I give a shit? No, I do not.

What does it taste like? Like something that's at least half sugar, which it probably was.

Iced gems

What is it? Tiny biscuits with a spiral of coloured icing on top.

What does it taste like? The biscuit just tasted like a plain biscuit. Nothing to write home about. But the icing – my god, the ICING – was like crack cocaine mixed with heroin. We couldn't get enough of it.

Everyone knew the icing was far more delicious than the biscuit. The biscuit is just shit filler. You could, in theory, take the icing off the iced gem, eat said icing and throw the biscuit away, thereby removing the biscuit from the equation entirely. However, no-one did this as such a wasteful act would have been scandalous. That's why the best part about eating ice gems was getting to the bottom of the packet and finding several bits of loose icing at the bottom that had fallen off. You could then gobble the loose bits of icing up without feeling any guilt.

Where could you find it? Sometimes a lucky kid at school would have a packet. He would be all-powerful that day because he could trade iced gems for anything he wanted. Iced gems were the cigarettes of the playground.

Pink wafers

What is it? Wafers dyed pink.

What does it taste like? They had the consistency of cavity insulation but they tasted like a sweet cloud. They would dissolve in your mouth like a quaver.

Where could you find it? Pink wafers only ever existed at birthday parties, just like party rings and those weird biscuits with coconut filling. The natural environment of pink wafers was a birthday party for a child called Kayleigh or Chayse. They sat on a trestle table that had been covered with a white sheet. There was usually a bouncy castle on one side and a CD player playing the Spice Girls at a loud volume on the other.

Once the party was over, any leftover pink wafers would blink out of existence, like a Paul Daniels magic trick.

The Pink Panther was on the packet for a while. I never once saw the Pink Panther eating a pink wafer though so I think he just pretended to like them for the money.

Party rings

What is it? Nothing says, "I'm a 90s kid, I party hard and I'm going to run around in circles until I feel sick" like these ring-shaped biscuits with coloured icing on top. They came in garish 90s colours such as neon yellow, acid green and Mr Blobby pink. We always wondered if each colour had a different flavour but they didn't. The colours were a lie. They were a fucking lie.

What does it taste like? Like a biscuit covered in icing. What did you think it tastes like?

Where could you find it? Like pink wafers, you only ever saw party rings at parties. I would like to believe that's because they were so high in sugar that our parents were limiting our access to them. However, it's probably just because our parents thought they looked like party food.

Digestive biscuits

What is it? A biscuit.

What does it taste like? A biscuit.

Where could you find it? Digestive biscuits were a staple in every home. My mom seemed to have a never-ending supply of them. She kept them in her 'biscuit' tin which was actually just a normal tin. My dad claimed to have done a pump in it once.

How unhealthy was it? Digestive biscuits were one of the few biscuits that weren't that unhealthy. That's because they were relatively low on sugar. However, my dad, being the genius he is, ate digestive biscuits with an inch of butter and a sprinkle of hundreds and thousands on top, thereby winning the award for world's worst example as a parent.

Rich tea biscuits

What is it? Another biscuit.

What does it taste like? Like a digestive biscuit only less crumbly.

Where could you find it? In said biscuit tin, the one my dad farted in.

How good was it? Rich tea biscuits made a good snack but the real enjoyment came from dipping them in a cup of tea. My siblings and I would ask our mom for cups of tea just so we could feel like proper grown-ups and dunk rich tea biscuits in them. The timing of the dunk was crucial: pull the biscuit out too soon and you might as well have not tried at all; but leave the biscuit in too long and it would fall apart and land in your tea, creating a disgusting mess that you would have to fish out with a spoon.

Hobnobs

What is it? A biscuit made from oats.

What does it taste like? Like if a flapjack and a digestive biscuit had a baby from a one night stand. And then that baby grew up to be Bear Grylls.

Where could you find it? Hobnobs were a staple food in our household. I think that they made up about half of our diet at one point.

How unhealthy was it? My mom claimed that hobnobs were high in fibre. Therefore we would eat them guilt-free, thinking they were good for us. Never mind fruit and vegetables – hobnobs was what you needed if you wanted to live to be a hundred years old.

One type of hobnob was coated with chocolate and had caramel inside. My dad claimed it was "medicinal". I’m not even sure what that means but I’m glad my dad didn’t decide to become a doctor.

Viscount biscuits

What is it? Chocolate biscuits with a green peppermint layer in the middle. They came in green foil.

What does it taste like? Like a peppermint-flavoured chocolate biscuit. What did you think it would taste like? I'm beginning to think this format was a bad idea.

Where could you find it? In your lunchbox, next to a Dairylea Dunker, a packet of Walkers crisps and a ham sandwich (crusts removed).

Garibaldi biscuits

What is it? Thin hard biscuits with fruit in the middle. As a kid, I didn't know where the word "Garibaldi" came from. I thought there was a man called Gary who happened to be bald.

What does it taste like? Like something a rugged mountain climber would eat.

Where could you find it? My nan always had Garibaldi biscuits in a cupboard in her living room. That's where she kept all her biscuits, along with weird packets of crisps that came with small blue sachets of salt.

She always complained she had constipation. In hindsight, it was probably due to the fact that her diet was 90% biscuits and 10% chocolate.

Wagon Wheels

What is it? Two biscuits around a marshmallow filling and coated in chocolate.

Wagon Wheels were HUGE compared to other biscuits. It was said that a single Wagon Wheel could feed a man and his entire family for a week.

On the packet of a Wagon Wheel was a picture of a wagon pulled by horses. This image gave the compelling but erroneous impression that settlers in the Wild West days ate Wagon Wheels on their long journeys across the American desert. I suppose that while the Wild West was bad in some respects, what with dysentery and the high risk of dying, there did seem to be an infinite supply of Wagon Wheels, so it wasn’t all bad.

What does it taste like? Wagon Wheels had a unique taste thanks to their marshmallow centre. Eating one was a rare treat.

Where could you find it? My mum used to buy Wagon Wheels from Kwik Save. It was one of the only good things about being dragged to the shops by my mom.

Other biscuits

I could go on and on about biscuits from my childhood. It seems the list would never end. There's Jammie Dodgers, Custard Creams, Jaffa Cakes (Are they cakes or biscuits? More to the point, do I give a fuck?) and Yo Yos just to name a few more. Biscuits of our childhood, I salute you for your sugary goodness and for making our teeth grow at weird angles.

Fox's biscuits are available to buy at Amazon.