British 90s nostalgia and shite

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I went to Alton Towers a lot as a kid. The park map was one of my favourite memories because it was exciting to look at and also useful to plan which route to take to get to the big cool rides.

As I'm writing this I have a newborn son and many things to do, but I'd rather write about Alton Towers maps instead. So here are 38 years of Alton Towers maps.

The 1981 Alton Towers map

The first map is from 1981.

And oh Christ is it BORING. There’s almost nothing there. Just some trees and places with names like the “Talbot Centre” and the “Ingrestre Centre”. It’s like a map you'd find in a school atlas or use for orienteering, but even those maps would use more colour.

The grass is a sickly yellow as if it's all dead. Maybe the gardener spent his afternoons lying under a tree with a big jug of moonshine instead of watering the grass while thinking about what he'd like to do with the wife of the man in charge of the Tablot Centre.

The paths in the Gardens have been drawn with exacting detail, as if someone thought, "You know why people come to Alton Towers? To walk around the Gardens".

Overall, this map doesn't make Alton Towers look particularly fun. There's just fields, some paths, some drought-yellowed grass and trees – lots and lots of trees. Did I mention the trees?

And more trees:

And more trees:

And more trees:

Where are all the rides? That’s all I want to know.

But here's the thing about this map: while it's without a doubt hands-down the worst Alton Towers map, it's also hands-down the best Alton Towers map. Why? Because of the pictures around the edge.

Like this picture of a tank:

And this grinning skull on a Looney Tunes background:

"Come see our collection of haunted dolls"

"We don't have any rides yet but here's a spinning tunnel."

"Come stand in ankle-deep water and get severely sun-burned"

"Unlock your sensual side at Alton Towers with pottery"

"Gamble away your worries and children's saving accounts at Alton Towers's slot machines"

"If nothing else, come to Alton Towers to see a rabbit"

The 1985 Alton Towers map

Moving onto 1985. This map is already an improvement over the old one. It looks more colourful and you can see some of the attractions. Here's the Black Hole for instance, though it looks more like a circus tent than a scary ride:

Or maybe the fact it looks like a circus tent makes it more scary.

I like this map. It's calming to look at, even if it does resemble an A level Art project.

The most unbelievable thing is that the car park is right next to the entrance. That can't be right. I remember walking for miles and miles to get from the car park to the entrance. That is, when the queue for the monorail was too long.

The 1990 Alton Towers map

Zooming ahead now to 1990 and we get this sedate and restrained map of an overhead view of the park.

I imagine this map is an accurate representation of Alton Towers from a bird's eye view. I like this map because I can imagine I'm falling without a parachute and I'm about to land with a SPLAT on Towers Street.

This map has arrows that tell you which way to walk around the park. It's like that tour of the box factory in The Simpsons.

The 1995 Alton Towers map

It's the now the mid-1990s and MY GOD, what a transformation. Gone are the subdued pastel colours. Gone is the realism. Now the map is bright and IN YOUR FACE. Like everything in the 1990s, this map is RAD and AWESOME.

The Gardens appear to be shrinking. Here they only take up about an eighth of the map. Probably it's just that the park is expanding outwards, like The Blob.

I'm not sure what those little green islands are surrounding the park though. Some of them look like trees half-submerged in water. I guess in the 90s we didn't question things like this.

The 2000 Alton Towers map

The new millennium is here and WHAT THE FUCK HAS HAPPENED? It's like Henry Hound himself has shat the colours yellow. orange, green and purple onto the page.

We have a purple-haired child screaming, straight from the cover of a Paul Jennings book:

We have half of Barney the dinosaur's creepy face:

At least there are actual rides on this one.

The 2005 Alton Towers map

The 2005 map is drastically different. It uses an isomorphic perspective, making Alton Towers look like Habbo Hotel. It looks like someone’s re-creation of Alton Towers in Rollercoaster Tycoon.

It makes Alton towers look tiny, like something you could fit in the palm of your hand. I’m not sure I want to pay 50 quid to go there.

The rides don't look scary anymore. They look cute. This is Oblivion and Enterprise:

Nemesis looks a bit shit:

And good luck finding your favourite rides with this map. Only the names of the areas of the park are labelled.

Enjoy the tranquillity of this map while it lasts, because we're now moving on to...

The 2010 Alton Towers map

Now it's 2010 and OH GOD NOW WHAT HAS HAPPENED? This map screams AWESOME in your face while punching you in the eyeballs. Alton Towers has abandoned the isomorphic perspective and has returned to cramming in as much stuff on as possible.

I don't think this would make a good map if you were lost in the park. There are too many twisty paths on it. It looks like Wonderland. It's like Alton Towers have purposely designed this map to get you lost.

There's also a pair of clawed hands hidden in the thorn bushes in the bottom-left-hand corner. That's creepy.

It’s as though this map is saying you have a strong chance of dying if you visit Alton Towers.

The 2015 Alton Towers map

This map is also of the "let's cram lots of stuff in and make their eyes bleed" style. It's a little more restrained than the 2010 map though. Gone are all the thin, winding paths. Now the paths are wider and straighter you could actually stand a chance at using it to find your way around.

The map also helpfully lists all the attractions and food outlets in each section, which I appreciate.

The 2019 Alton Towers map

Here's the most recent map at the time of writing. It's in the same style as the last two maps – cram as much stuff on as possible. It seems this is the style Alton Towers have settled on. But looking at his map makes me feel dizzy like I'm getting spun around by Enterprise.

This map is saying "ALTON TOWERS IS XTREME, BITCH" as it smacks you about with insane roller coaster after roller coaster.

Is that really what The Smiler looks like? It looks like it would break my neck.

There is a new Teletubbies attraction for 2019. I thought the Teletubbies had died? I was sure the lifespan of a Teletubby was only around ten years.

Conclusion

So there we have it. Almost four decades of Alton Towers park maps. We've seen the maps go from this:

To this:

Now excuse me while I go have a lie down.

If you would like to read more about Alton Towers, then I recommend Tales from the Towers: The Unofficial Story Behind Alton Towers, which is available to buy at Amazon.