Alton Towers in 1991

23rd October 2020

My family and I were big fans of Alton Towers. We used to go every year. I fucking loved it.

My dad used to bring his camera and camcorder and record the shit out of everything, so thanks to him, we have a record of what Alton Towers used to be like.

Here's what Alton Towers was like in 1991.

An Exhibition of Good Food and Farming

Oh my god. This is amazing. There was something called the Exhibition of Good Food and Farming at Alton Towers.

This is probably the least likely thing you would expect to see at Alton Towers, along with UFOs and Bigfoot.

Who goes to Alton Towers to see a farming exhibition? I don't know. Probably idiots.

Then again, my family and I went inside it, which means we were idiots.

Goat reading a newspaper

Inside the farming exhibition is a goat reading a newspaper. I don't think he's supposed to be in Alton Towers. He looks like he's in a dentist's waiting room. Is this really Alton Towers or did we slip into some kind of alternate dimension?

The goat looks surprised too, as if he didn't expect to see humans today. Even he doesn't know what's going on.

I'm hungry

There's also this giant sentient talking cocoa bean:

I have no idea why he says he's hungry. If he's that hungry then give him some food for Christ's sake.

Giant bread

Then there’s the pile of giant bread just lying around:

I don't know why that sentient cocoa bean was hungry when he could have just eaten the bread. It’s giant bread for fuck’s sake, there’s enough to go around.

Farm

In the early 1990s, Alton Towers also had a farm. Forget Oblivion and Nemesis: this farm was where the real fun at Alton Towers was at. Here's my sister and me feeding the goats.

You could also sit in an old rusty tractor. It probably would have given you tetanus if you had cut your hand on it.

Doom & Sons

Did you know there was an undertakers at Alton Towers? Complete with a man in a three-piece suit standing outside.

Why did Alton Towers have an undertakers? Was it because so many people died on their dodgy rides?

I can imagine the conversation between the heads at Alton Towers:

"Right, we've got a tractor, we've got a goat reading a newspaper, we've got a sentient cocoa bean, we've got some giant bread. What else do we need for a theme park?"

"Um... a funeral director?"

"A funeral director?"

"Yeah, because... it's random? And people like random things?"

"Okay, yeah, great. Whatever. A funeral director. Put it in."

That man is staring at me. (I’m the kid in the yellow cap.)

He's probably wondering when I'm going to die so he can put me in one of his coffins.

Also, there are no dogs allowed in the undertakers. Maybe it’s because dogs have a sixth sense that lets them know that the undertaker is really a ghost. And the undertaker doesn’t want you to know that because he wants to take your soul to the underworld.

I'm pretty sure no dogs were allowed in the whole park too though, thus rendering the sign useless.

The Corridor of Phantoms

If you went inside the undertakers, there was actually a walkthrough haunted house inside called "The Corridor of Phantoms". So there wasn't a real coffin shop after all - who would have thought.

The Corridor of Phantoms was a bit like the Haunted House ride at Alton Towers except there was no carriage. You just walked around it.

Some parts were genuinely creepy, like this zombie that looks like the one from Tales of the Cryptkeeper:

There was also a skeleton playing the violin and some giant heads:

I'm surprised I didn't have nightmares after walking around that. I was only four years old at the time. I reckon Alton Towers should give me compensation.

If you don't mind having nightmares then here's my dad's video of Doom & Sons:

Around the World in 80 Days

There was a ride called Around the World in 80 Days which was a blatant copy of Disneyland's It's a Small World. If Alton Towers had to copy another park's ride, why did it have to be It's a Small World? Everyone hates It's a Small World, not least because the dolls are evil.

Here's an Uncle Sam puppet. I'm not sure it was evil. I'm guessing it was.

What if the ride actually lasts 80 days? Imagine spending 80 days trapped on the ride. If you try to leave your boat, the puppets gang up on you to drag you back in. You have drink the dirty ride water just to stay alive. The park's staff are watching on the CCTV cameras but they don't care, and in fact, they get off on it.

Here's the whole video if you can be arsed to watch it.