Alton Towers in 1981
Alton Towers opened in 1980, seven years before I was born. That means I never got to experience Alton Towers in its early years.
I don't really care to be honest. My real regrets in life are never owning the video game Sonic and Knuckles, the time when my dad pointed out the window at the sky on Christmas Eve and said "There's Santa" and I couldn't see him, never owning a K'nex big ball factory, never living in an attic bedroom with a glass ceiling like Arnold in Hey Arnold, never receiving animal-morphing super powers from aliens, never being invited to be a contestant on Crystal Maze or Knightmare, and the time I sold my entire collection of Beano and Dandy comics to a girl from school for £1.
The earliest park map of Alton Towers is from 1981, so let's have a look at that.
It's pretty boring - just some trees, dead grass, and places with names like the “Talbot Centre” and the “Ingrestre Centre” - except for all the weird pictures around the edge.
Tank
A tank. A tank at Alton Towers. Is this Alton Towers or Tiananmen Square?
Fortunately, the drawing is accompanied by a label explaining exactly what the attraction is. Unfortunately, the compression of the jpg is so bad that I can't read it:
It's actually "Radio controlled models (10 p coin)" (I read it on the next year's map.)
If you think that one was bad, try reading this:
My guess is "The Talbot Aushwitch".
Skull
Here's a sinister skull:
What is this skull supposed to represent? Your death? Which is what happens if you spend too long queuing to ride Air at Alton Towers?
Seems a bit creepy, a grinning skull on a Looney Tunes background. Here's the description of the attraction:
I can't read that either. I think it says "Tissue and Santa Hummingbird Hulau".
Sunburn
"Come to Alton Towers and stand in ankle-deep water and get severely sun-burned"
Pottery
"Unlock your sensual side at Alton Towers with pottery"
Slot machines
"Gamble away your worries and children's saving accounts at Alton Towers's slot machines"
Rabbit
"If nothing else, come to Alton Towers to see a rabbit"
Doom and Sons
One of the attractions at Alton Towers in 1981 was Doom and Sons Haunted House, a walk-through haunted house themed around a family undertaker business. I can imagine the conversation between the designers of the park:
"You know what this park needs?"
"A cafe? A gift shop?"
"No, a walk-through haunted house themed around a family undertaker business."
Corkscrew
The Corkscrew was the only rollercoaster at Alton Towers in 1981.
It was "Britain’s first double loop rollercoaster".
The Corkscrew lasted 28 years, at which point it was dismantled and replaced by TH13TEEN in 2010. But the Corkscrew still lives today: a section of the track is displayed at the entrance to Alton Towers.
The Dolls House
If you visited Alton Towers in 1981, you could also see a collection of haunted dolls.
According to towerstimes.co.uk, the attraction "boasted the finest collection of Victorian dolls in Europe".
Don't leave me alone in there. It'd be like the scene from The Tommyknockers where all the dolls come alive.
Alton Towers removed their evil doll collection in 1995 to make room for Nickelodeon: Outta Control, which was some kind of fun house based on shows like Kenan & Kel, Rocko's Modern Life, and Ren and Stimpy.
Alpine Bobsleigh
The Alpine Bobsleigh was a ride at Alton Towers where children zoom down a concrete chute at 40 km/h in plastic bobsleighs, which sounds entirely safe.
My friend Bob lost most of the skin from his right arm during an over-speed cornering manoeuvre.
I remember seeing a woman have an accident on this ride; she gashed all her leg open.
According to towersstreet.com, it opened in 1979, before the park even existed, so was Alton Towers actually built around a deadly concrete bobsleigh ride?
I looked it up, and it turns out Alton Towers didn't open in 1980 at all, so whoever told me that was a liar. It actually opened in 1924 when visitors could walk around the gardens, and by the 1960s it had a fairground, boating lake, and chairlift.
By the way, I got those pictures from a 1981 advert of Alton Towers:
The best part of the advert is at the end when it says:
Just £2.50 to get into Alton Towers! Nowadays you need to take out a second mortgage to get in.
Other things
Here are some other things in Alton Towers in 1981:
- Around the World in Eighty Days
- Wild Water Flume
- Talbot Theatre
- Adventure Railway
- Blue Carousel
- Junior Flyer
- Fantastic Fountains
- Rupert Bear Magic Show
- Pirate Ship
- Cine 2000
- Big Top
- The Parrot Show
- Wildlife Museum
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