Alton Towers in 1981

1st July 2024

Alton Towers opened in 1980, seven years before I was born. That means I never got to experience the park in its early years. That's one of the biggest regrets of my life, along with never meeting Mr Blobby, and the time I sold my entire collection of Beano and Dandy comics to a girl called Lydia for £1.

The best I can do is write a blog post about it instead.

Map

Where to start? The park map is as good a place as any.

It's pretty boring - just some trees, dead grass, and places with names like the “Talbot Centre” and the “Ingrestre Centre” - except for all the weird pictures around the edge. Like this tank:

A tank. A tank at Alton Towers. Is this a ride themed around Tiananmen Square?

Fortunately, the drawing is accompanied by a label explaining exactly what the attraction is. Unfortunately, the compression of the jpg is so bad that I can't read it:

My best guess is "Raichu Coconut Bundhi Fly-cod".

If you think that one was bad, try reading this:

My guess is "The Talbot Aushwitch".

Here's a sinister skull:

What is this skull supposed to represent? A tarot card reader? A mausoleum? A crematorium? An actual skull? I don't know.

Seems a bit creepy, a grinning skull on a Looney Tunes background. Here's the description of the attraction:

I can't read that either. I think it says "Tissue and Santa Hummingbird Hulau".

Here's some more pictures on the 1981 Alton Towers map.

A spinning tunnel:

"Come stand in ankle-deep water and get severely sun-burned"

"Unlock your sensual side at Alton Towers with pottery"

"Gamble away your worries and children's saving accounts at Alton Towers's slot machines"

"If nothing else, come to Alton Towers to see a rabbit"

Corkscrew

The Corkscrew was the only rollercoaster at Alton Towers in 1981.

It was "Britain’s first double loop rollercoaster".

The Corkscrew lasted 28 years, at which point it was dismantled and replaced by TH13TEEN in 2010. But the Corkscrew still lives today: a section of the track is displayed at the entrance to the park:

The Dolls House

If you visited Alton Towers in 1981, you could also see a collection of haunted dolls.

According to towerstimes.co.uk, the attraction "boasted the finest collection of Victorian dolls in Europe".

Don't leave me alone in there. It'd be like the scene from The Tommyknockers where all the dolls come alive.

Alton Towers removed the evil collection in 1995 to make room for Nickelodeon: Outta Control. Oh well. No word about what happened to all those dolls. Maybe they live in the bushes next to the Alton Towers car park, and they come out sporadically to eat lone visitors. You can hear them giggling if you listen hard enough.

Alpine Bobsleigh

There was this ride where children zoom down a concrete chute at 40 km/h in plastic bobsleighs.

According to towersstreet.com, it opened in 1979, before the park even existed, so this was the park's first thrill ride.

Something like that would never get made today. It wouldn't be allowed due to health and safety regulations. If you fell off, you'd crack your fucking skull open.

By the way, I got those pictures from a 1981 advert of Alton Towers: