British 90s nostalgia and shite

What happens to the puppets from old TV shows? They must be somewhere. They’re not just thrown away. Maybe they're all in a warehouse together. Creepy dead-eyed puppets that sit on shelves, gathering dust. Otis the Aardvark, Orville the Duck, even the Head from Art Attack, maybe they're all there, left and forgotten.

And chances are at least 50% of these puppets come alive at night and try to kill the hapless security guards who work there, like in Five Nights at Freddy’s. Here is a list of the 90s puppets most likely to do this.

9. Why Bird

It's the Why Bird Stop at number 9, with the murderous bird puppet from Playdays. If the Why Bird puppet ever comes alive, the first thing she’ll do is peck out the eyes of the nearest people. While you're screaming "Why, Whybird, Why?" as blood runs your face from your empty eyes sockets, I'll be making a run for it, because I'll have anticipated Why Bird coming to life and have positioned myself next to the emergency exit doors.

8. Tellytubbies

Everyone knows that the one thing Teletubbies crave more than anything else is human blood.

I mean, where are the people in Tellytubby Land? There aren't any. Because Tipsy-Wipsy, Lala and the other two have killed them all.

To be honest I think I could beat a Teletubby in a fight and I could even take all four of them. They don’t look too hard. If you kicked one over it would probably be unable to get back up again, like a turtle on its back.

But still. I reckon if they got you on the ground, they could give you a right good kicking. Then they'd playback the beating on the television screens in their tummies and force you to watch it while beating you again, so you'd have to suffer through a second beating while reliving the first one through the power of television. The sick fucks.

It's a common misconception that the 'tele' in Teletubbies stands for television, referring to the televisions in their tummies. But this is wrong. The 'tele' in Teletubbies actually stands for telekinesis and refers to their telekinesis powers. Because all Teletubbies have telekinesis powers, you see. Tinky Winky can lift a school bus with his mind. Laa Laa can even lift a whole building.

There was an episode, and you might not remember this episode, because it was banned shortly after its first showing, where Po goes to the school prom and gets a bucket of sheep's blood tipped over her, causing her to lock all the fire exits with her mind and burn everyone to death.

Also, Teletubbies are a hundred metres tall. They're giants. You can't tell when watching the show though because there are no humans to compare them to. All the humans were eaten by hundred-metre-tall Teletubbies.

A Teletubby's weakness is its antenna on top of its head. Lure the Tellytubby outside during a thunderstorm and you'll only have to wait a few moments before a bolt of lightning hits the antenna and frazzles the Teletubby to a crisp. Now you know how to kill a Tellytubby.

7. The Riddlers

The Riddlers are these leprechaun things who live in a garden and feast on human flesh. Some of their names are Mossop, Tiddler, Middler, Glossop, and Eesup, none of which I have made up.

I don't doubt that if one of the Riddler puppets came alive, the first thing it would do is kill everyone in close proximity.

Here's a riddle for you: where do Riddlers hide the bodies? It's in their garden I reckon.

6. Live and Kicking's Sage and Onion

If you're familiar with the Leprechaun series of movies, where a killer Leprechaun goes around killing everyone, then you'll know how dangerous leprechauns can be. In fact, in Leprechaun: Back 2 the Hood (2003) in which a single leprechaun kills twelve people. If that's anything to go by, and I think we can agree it is, because the Lepraeaun movies were documentaries, not fiction, then this means Sage and Onion should be able to kill twenty-four people since there are two of them. Or maybe they'd work together and become greater killing machines than the sum of their parts, and kill the entire population of Slough.

The only way to kill Sage and Onion is to find their pot of gold at the end of a rainbow, then chuck it into molten metal like at the end of Terminator 2. And you'd better make sure to destroy every last coin otherwise Sage and Onion will still be Live 'n Kicking. And what Sage and Onion will be kicking is the stuffing, out of you. (Geddit? Because sage and onion are stuffing? And it's also the names of the puppets? I'm wasted here. Wasted.) Then they'll tear your windpipe and lungs out and do an Irish jig on your body while using your lungs as pipes.

5. Badger

If I had to fight Badger from Bodger and Badger then I reckon I could take him. He's only a badger puppet after all. The thing I'd be worried about though is his hammer. imagine him hitting you in the head over and over in the head with his mallet while shouting MASHED POTATOES MASHED POTATOES MASHED POTATOES

4. Brum

I always had a soft spot for Brum because he's from my hometown of Birmingham.

But still, that wouldn’t stop me from smashing his headlights in if he ever came alive and tried to kill me, like in Stephen King's Christine. Which he probably would. Because he's evil.

3. Big Bird

Big Bird would definitely try to kill you if you gave him a chance. He would probably succeed too, given how freakishly tall he is.

I hope you have nightmares tonight about Big Bird peering through your bedroom window.

2. The tots from Tots TV

We're definitely getting into evil territory now. The Tots from Tots TV are 100% bona fide evil.

Just take their theme tune for example:

I'm a Tot
Je suis un Tot
Tilly Tom and Tiny

Okay, so there's nothing evil about that. But then here's the next part:

We love our house, our secret house
Shhh, it's a secret
It's all right, they're not going to tell anyone

Not going to tell anyone about what? About the bodies? I bet the secret house is where they hide the bodies.

Well, maybe I will tell someone? Like the police?

The next time you brush your teeth, imagine looking in the mirror and seeing the three tots behind you. One of the tots puts his felt hands over your eyes and then another one stabs you in the side with a knife while the third one giggles and sings the Tots TV theme tune over and over. Imagine that.

1. Rosie and Jim

Rosie and Jim and the most evil puppets of all. In fact, they’re so evil, they’re not puppets at all but actually demons from a Hell dimension. The producers discovered these dolls one day while fishing in a lake in Transylvania. Rosie was the first to emerge, her face covered with seaweed and black moss. Jim was next. The puppets demanded their own TV show on CBBC, something the producers were happy to oblige with because Rosie and Jim could control themselves so there was no need to pay for puppeteers.

What you are seeing when you watch Rosie and Jim are real, self-moving puppets moving around by themselves. There are no strings. (Look closely. I’ve checked.) There is no puppeteer with his hand up Rosie’s bum. (Except Friday nights when Rosie gets freaky.) What you are seeing every time you watch an episode of Rosie and Jim are two puppets moving and talking by themselves.

It’s clear that Rosie and Jim are psychopaths who love to toy with their victims. In every episode, after Rosie and Jim are back home after an educational adventure or a murder spree (one of the two), they giggle on the sofa (they're always giggling to themselves and it creeps me out) or play a horrid sound on their accordion, and then John Cunliffe turns to see what's going on. Except right at this moment, Rosie and Jim both suddenly fall backwards and pretend they're just inanimate dolls. They're toying with the old man. They're messing with his head. John Cunliffe probably got dementia by the end, caused by Rosie and Jim's torment. It's probably why they had to replace him with another actor.

If I ever get to hire a canal boat then I'll bring Rosie and Jim puppets with me, then scare children by moving the puppets against the boat windows, while each puppet holds a decapitated head. That'll teach kids a valuable lesson which is to never turn your back on a Rosie or Jim puppet, especially when there's a kitchen knife laying around.

Out of Rosie and Jim, Jim is definitely the more evil one. He has the voice of a serial killer for a start. It's the voice of a man pretending to be a retarded Brummie child. It's pretty much my voice. It's a very childish voice, so childish in fact that not even actual children would talk like that, only serial killers do. This confirms my otherwise flimsy belief that Jim is indeed a serial killer.

Jim would be the one to make friends with the devil ("I can hear him in my head, Rosie! He tells me to do things!") and sacrifice innocent people to open a portal to hell ("The circle is opening, Rosie. He's coming. Everyone's going to die in fire, Rosie."). Rosie is the more mature one who would try to stop him, only she'd be too late because the portal would already be open and the waters of the canal would be turning to lava. Duck would be quacking helplessly as he melts, the pupils of his eye running down his cheek as he slowly forms a bubbling black puddle, all the while still quacking.

"What have you done, Jim??" Rosie would say as she peers out the window of the canal barge as the landscape turns into hell. Jim would be giggling like a three-year-old who has done something naughty like draw on the wall with felt tips.

Don't fuck with Jim.