Toys in the 1984 Argos catalogue

13th March 2021

What have I achieved today? What can I say I've accomplished?

Instead of working on a cure for cancer or advocating for world peace, I've spent the afternoon looking at toys in a bastard Argos catalogue.

An Argos catalogue from 1984. A year when I wasn't even born yet.

Here are some of the toys in the catalogue.

Matchbox Activity Bear

I had this when I was a kid. Apparently there are 10 absorbing activities. These include:

Wishing you had a better toy
Running away when the bear becomes sentient and tries to kill you
Taking it back to the shop to get something better, like a kick in the balls

Hasbro Glo-Worm

It's one of those creepy glo-worm toys that comes alive at night and kills you in your sleep.

The description says you have to squeeze his tummy and his head glows. But I'm not touching that fucking thing.

RF Goodtimes Toys Sandringham Doll's Pram

They should have just called this one 'creepy doll' because that's what it is. If you put your hand in there it would probably bite it off.

Fisher-Price Music Box Record Player

See this is kind of toy they should make more of. It doesn't need batteries and it plays actual music. I would buy one today if I wasn't broke.

And you can throw the records at people as makeshift shurikens. There is no death more humiliating than getting your throat cut by a Fisher-Price record.

Fisher-Price Cash Register

This toy was bloody brilliant. I used to put the coins in the top, make them disappear into the till, open the drawer and there they were, as if by magic. I used to wonder about how they did it.

I still do.

The shop sells balloons, apples and ice-creams, which sounds like a good shop. We need more shops like this one.

The balloon costs 5 apparently, the apple costs 10 and the ice-cream costs 20. Is that £20? Or 20 pence? It's either a rip-off or a bargain.

If you didn't like someone then you could press the NO SALE button and their coins would come down the slide instead of appearing in the till. Then you could say "Fuck off" and throw their coins back at them.