British 90s nostalgia and shite

I bought this rubbish book on eBay:

It’s supposed to tell you 101 things you can do on the internet, but that's rubbish. I don’t need a book for that. I can think of 101 things right off the top of my head:

1. Watch porn
2. Go on Reddit
3. Go on Reddit

Okay, so that's only three things. So maybe I need this book after all. Let's see what some of the 101 things are.

I should mention that the book is from 2002 so Reddit is unlikely to be in it.

#1: Go to a webpage

So the first thing this book says to do is to go to a webpage. I think I can manage that.

But wait. The book doesn't tell me what URL to enter into my address bar. Damn it. I'm only at Thing To Do #1 and I'm already stuck. Does this book have a number I can call for help.

Then again, if it did have a number to call, I'm not sure I'd be able to ring it without hearing a bunch of screeching noises down the phone line and then the internet cutting off abruptly.

#3: Use a search engine

Number 3 on the list of things to do is to use a search engine. Okay, so let's see what search engines were available in 2002.

Ask Jeeves

The book doesn't have anything good to say about Ask Jeeves. It just says you can use Ask Jeeves to "type in a question".

Even the book knew that Ask Jeeves was shit.

I remember in 2002 I would ask Jeeves questions like "How do I make ice cream?” and he would interpret my question as "Where can I buy ice cream?" Or I would ask "What is the capital of the United Arab Emirates?" and Jeeves would show me results for holidays to the United Arab Emirates. Jeeves had sold out to capitalism. His services were open to the highest bidder. Jeeves probably had so much money that he rode around in a champagne-filled limo being driven by his own butler, who was also, confusingly, called Jeeves.

Jeeves probably wasn't even a butler, he just dressed like that to fool people. He had his own team of butlers. The only reason he dressed like a butler himself was to fool us into thinking he was our servant. In reality we were the ones serving him, by clicking on his sponsored links, which were all his links. The only servant he gave us was the server he was hosted on.

Google

If you don't want to use Ask Jeeves (congratulations, this means you're normal), then you can use a different search engine instead, like one called "Google".

Google. That's a strange word. I don't think that will ever catch on. I reckon I'll just go back to using Ask Jeeves instead.

But wait because the book says Google "puts its search findings in order of relevance."

That sounds useful. I like it when search engines put results in order of relevance, and not the order in which will make the most money like MONEY-GRABBING ASK JEEVES.

Altavista and Hotbot

Other search engines are Altavista and Hotbot, which both have "very large databases to search". That sounds good. Unlike ASK JEEVES. The only database that had was a database of advertisers giving them money to skew the search results in their favour.

#5: Visit a portal

Number 5 is to visit a portal.

No thanks. The last time I used a portal that I got stuck in The Nether and lost all my steel armour and weapons.

#11: Join a mailing list

Number 11 is to join a mailing list.

When someone sends a message to that address it is forwarded to every member on the list

Oh fuck, that doesn’t sound like a good idea. I can imagine my inbox getting bombarded with emails by some guy called Brian who sends an email every five minutes about his model trains.

#14: Use a messenger program

Number 14 is to use a messenger program. The book recommends something called Yahooligans! Messenger. I already don't like it because it has an exclamation mark in its name, which makes it sound like it's shouting at me. Generally I don't like it when things shout at me.

I don't even remember Yahooligans! Messenger. Was it like MSN messenger? Judging from the picture in the book I think so, only shit.

#16: Use emoticons

Number 16 is to use emoticons. Emoticons? What are these emoticons? Here are some emoticons the book suggests:

I won't be using these as I don't have such a range of emotions to express. The only emotion I feel is anger, white-hot burning rage, all the time. So I'll probably just stick with the angry one.

Saying that, here are some other emoticons I like to use:

#24: Download music

Number 24 is to download music. But the book says:

only copy tracks from official sites; otherwise you could be breaking the law

So no Napster, Limewire or Kazaa then.

#25: Get creeped out

In this picture, two normal wrestlers have merged together into a mutant three-legged wrestler.

I don’t know what that’s got to do with the Internet but it scares me.

#26: Preview a future event

Now, I admit I didn't read this one too closely because it was about sport or something, and I zone out whenever I read about sport. But from what I gather, you can use the internet to see future events, the same way Tom Cruise does in Minority Report.

The way I think it works is this: you type in a date, press enter, and a series of headlines from that day appears on the screen. Celebrity deaths, war in the Middle East, that sort of thing. If you're lucky you'll be able to avoid terrorist attacks and get rich from winning lottery numbers. If you're unlucky, you'll find out you die the next day from an unspecified danger. You must then spend the whole of the next day cowering beneath your bed, with all the lights turned off and your phone off the hook. Ironically this lack of movement attracts burglars who think you've gone out for the day. You see the sillohuettes of the burglars outside through the window and you can hear them trying to pick the lock. You can't call the police because your phone doesn't work. You get a knife from the kitchen to defend yourself but you trip over your untied shoelaces and stab yourself in the chest with the blade, thereby causing your own death. The last thing you taste before you die is sweet irony.

This is all well and good, but what happens if you put in a date in the far future and nothing happens? Then you try an earlier date and still nothing happens. Then you try an even earlier date and there's only one headline, and it says: "END OF THE WORLD BY NUCLEAR WAR". You turn the computer off, go and have some Rice Krispies to steady your nerves. A few days later your mom says, "Why don't you use the computer anymore?" and you have to come up with a lie on the spot about not wanting to use the computer because there's so much porn on the internet. When in reality, the reason you don't use the computer anymore is because you're still scared of the nuclear war headline.

#47: Use electronic cash

Number 47 tells you how to print your own money or something like that. Something called eCash. This sounds like something my dad might have invested in during the early 2000s, thereby losing all his actual money.

#86: Go on a virtual trip

Number 86 says to go on a virtual trip.

I think a virtual trip is like an actual trip but everything that makes a trip fun.

I think this book was written for poor people who can’t afford holidays so they just have to look at pictures of holidays online instead.

Then again, if going on a virtual trip means I don’t have to suffer a Ryanair flight, then I'm in.

#87: Book a flight

Number 87 tells you how to book a flight.

I’m confused. Was this book intended for children or was it made for adults? I thought it was made for kids, but booking flights isn't the kind of thing that kids do.

But if it was made for adults, then it should have included more porn websites.

Install a web filter

Finally, there's a list of tips in the back of the book that aren't any of the 101 things to do. For example, the book teaches you how to install a web filter so that you don’t accidentally look at any porn.

I don't get it. Why is the book telling to sabotage my own internet browser so that I can't look at porn? As a fifteen-year-old boy in 2002, looking at porn sites was basically my full-time job.

Also, installing a web filter is the very last thing in the book, so that means if I did all the things in the book in order, then I wouldn’t get the web filter until the very end. So my poor innocent eyes would have already been exposed to titties and willies by the time I get to the part about the web filter and I'd have to cleanse my eyes with holy water.

Also, Dad knows exactly how to temporarily disable the web filter for when he wants to wank. I guarantee that back in 2002 he was jerking off to web porn at least once a week. It was the real reason he wanted a broadband internet – he wanted to download porn faster.

Conclusion

This is one of those goody-two-shoes books that try to make you learn stuff. The author of the book is someone called Ted Smart, but he can’t be that smart if he thinks kids want to use the internet to learn things.

When I was a kid back in 2002, I didn’t want to learn things. I didn't want to know stuff or do my homework. And I wasn’t using the Internet to read online newspapers and book tickets online for events.

I used the Internet to:

1. Look at topless women on The Sun website
2. Work my ass off on RuneScape only to get scammed out of a Mithral sword
3. Go to Newgrounds to kill a hamster in a blender
4. Occasionally feed my starving Neopet
5. Play Age of Mythology online which I’m not even sure was out in 2002 yet

Also, roughly half of the things in the book require Macromedia Flash. Well that’s just great seeing how browsers don’t support that anymore.

Anyway, now I have to go and jerk off to porn and browse Reddit. Goodbye.